ok, I'm back!

Right then.

So I start again, minus a pupil, as of next week and arrrrgggggh it's scary! Cal is off to St Johns school and I am quite sure it was the right decision for him as he is very excited about it all. I hope he will slot back in ok and that he has learned something these past months! I know that I tried my best and I know that we have had 9 months of being together and having a lot of fun which is infinitely more memorable, right?

So Issy and I will be battling it alone for the time being. I think at the moment she is feeling a bit put out as we've made a big thing of Cal going to school and I worry that she feels left out and 'punished' almost by staying home for a bit. But the school can't take her as well - they are full to capacity for year one and we have to wait until a)someone leaves or b)she goes into year 3, whichever comes first. I am all edgy about it tbh, now I know that is where she is going to end up, I worry about getting her to a certain level, and then when she does go school will be totally new - I don't want her to struggle or be unhappy. So the pressure is really on me to get her somewhere and up to a decent standard. I have bought her some CGP workbooks today for English, Maths and Science KS1 that will take her up to SATS level by the end of the year, and I have chosen a few books that I want her to attempt reading, as she's still not quite there yet. I have also told her to start thinking about a subject she is interested in that we can research, and so far she has suggested Golf.

Golf??

Anyway... we will be starting on Wednesday, as Cal will be at school and *sob* Alex will be starting nursery school!! I can't believe he's going - he still seems such a baby to me, but I know he'll be ok. Mrs Hefford, his teacher, looked after Isobel when she was there and she's solid gold, I know she'll treat him like her own. I just have to try and get my head around the whole school runs in the rain and lunchboxes and uniforms thing again and at the moment I am a bit AARRRGGHHH about it all.

The last few months have been so laid back and fun, especially the summer break - they've been up to all sorts in the garden with their friends, and to the cinema, and soft play, and a holiday to Nanny's and its been great. I have managed to pick myself up and have improved personally lots in terms of my confidence in doing things alone, now that I have finally decided to just be their mum for the time being and stop putting pressure on myself to do everything at once. It's going to be hard to get back to the 'real world' and more than anything else I am going to really miss Cal, and at the same time I feel like I have really let myself down... why did I have to be ill? Why wasn't I better at it? How come I couldn't just relax and see what happened? When Rich was at home with us it was all great and went really well, and when he went back I just was crap and got ill. I know we can't live in cloud cuckoo land and that he had to work, but we did have such a great few months all together and I wish that it could have been like it all the time and that this hadn't happened... you know? But I have to look on the flip side - Cal is wanting to go to school, and it will be easier just having to concentrate on Issy, she works well without Cal. I hope so much that I can do it this time and that I don't let her down.

Parenting sucks. It is such a fecking guiltfest!


I shall leave you with a few photos of how they all look now: